*My Journey To Happiness*

Sunday, 25 September 2005

So, I had another one night stand. Yes, another one. I am not bringing up the past again, a new one. This time I kinda struck a lil too close to home. The girl happened to be the girlfriend of a subboardinate. I think she just liked the fact that I was her guy's boss. I denied everything of course. Two days later she broke up with him. lol, I feel like such an asshole. I becoming quite the whore. I don't know how I feel about that.

There is a common ground to both of my last one-nighters; Kristi. I couldn't stop thinking about Kristi. I went out on those nights specifically trying to get her out of my mind. Lately just hearing the name or anything really that reminds me of her (which is a lot) can bring on a bout of depression that is sooo hard to kick. Especially at work. It kills me at work. When I just want to get away and cry, curled up in the corner; I have to be strong, firm, manly, and composed so that I can lead my team. I have no one to talk to about it either. I have no friends that I consider close enough to talk to about that. So I carry it, alone and in pain, with a smile on my face. Last night my mom calls and asked about Kristi. I was surprised that she remembered her. She always remembers her. I have never told my mom how I feel about Kristi.

How I feel about Kristi. There is a hole in my chest. No, it feels more like heartburn. My chest hurts: dead center, upper torso. There is a slight warmth in my stomach that seems to move and makes me shivers. Hunger maybe, but I don't feel like eating. I remember these feelings. The freshness is different, and there is no anger to them this time. I was thinking that this pain feels a lot like being in love, also. lol Is it all a trick of the mind weather you get to be happy or sad??? Love. Could it be possible that love is the only true emotion, and all other feelings are a branch of it? Anger? To be Angry you must first be offended in someway about something that you care about. I am babbling.

I somehow have released some unknown pheromones (fair-a-moans?). The oppurtunity for sex has skyrocketed. I currently count six women that I could have sex with. More if you count the ones that I didn't actually talk to and the ones I have already slept with. I told myself that this is where I wanted to get to about a month ago. Goal accomplished. Now what? Aren't I suppose to be enjoying this? I think the only part that I actually enjoy is the attention. Well, and those moments during sex that I take for myself, where I forget that we are strangers. I have to be careful with those moments though; they can lead down roads I don't care for.

Oh, and my party was a moderate success. Only a little drama, and I talked the cop into leaving in under one minute! Yay me! I couldn't get Summer to go to the party though. She had a wedding to go to. She knows that I like her now though. Out of all the many women I have been meeting Summer is the only one that I want to date. She scares me though. I know enough about her to know that I would fall for her pretty easily. She is my type. Perfect. Beauty inside and out. I am afraid of committment.

Although, another side of me has no fears. The side still in pain. I have no cares for consequences. That is part of the reason I have been meeting so many women. You would think someone would notice the drastic change in personality. How a deathy shy guy starts talking to so many women in such a short period of time. Instead they applaude me. Tell me how happy they are that I am finally getting some play. They even try to hook me up with more women!!! My roommate Ron even asked if I wanted to date his sister! She is coming out next month I guess and she is a "free-spirit", lol.

Women, women, women. Didn't I say a few posts ago that I am tired of talking about women? I wonder if I had one, if I would be talking about the weather? lol

Such is life I suppose. My life anyways.

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|14:50| comments (10)

Thursday, 15 September 2005

Katrina! That's Heather's cousins name! I just saw the name on Chester's blog and it made me remember. Thanks Chester!

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|09:19| comments (1)

Ok, so the new things. Thanks for reminding me UGA. You probably won't like what I have to say though, because it involves buying everything but a computer. lol sorry.

I bought a 2005 Nissan Maxima. It is very nice and I wouldn't have thought much about it until I actually got into it. I payed more than I should have and and at a very high interest rate but I like it and I can easily afford it. I bought a new 1000W JVC home theather system. It is the coolest! It especially looks good next to my new 55" Sony Wega LCD projection TV, with matching stand. I moved into a house with three other guys. I left Heather to fend for herself. I got the master bedroom which is twice the size of my apt's. I finally bought a dresser type thing, and head and foot boards for my bed. I am still planning on buying a computer though. I won't say next month like I always do though. I procrastinate to much.

About women....lol, I always seem to talk about women, don't I? Too much in my opinion. I had another one night stand last week. I kinda feel bad about it. I have been trying to talk myself into dating more. Going out on casual dates with women I don't have to necessarily like. I need to experience more. I have had only two girlfriends in my life and I am getting tired about always drawing on those two experiences. I don't know if I ever mentioned this HOT coffee girl that I always see. Everyone says that she is flirting with me, but I can't tell if she is just being friendly. I will find out tomorrow, because I am finally going to ask her out (Well to my housewarming/barbeque/party). After only six months of going to the same coffee place! lol Wish me luck, cause I think she is out of my league. Although, I have notice that women seem to pay a lot more attention to me lately. Maybe I am just looking for it though. Heather has a hot cousin that she keeps trying to hook me up with, and I danced with her at the local club. She seems interested, but she turned down this guy who was much better looking than myself. He tried to talk to her the whole night, but she wasn't having any of it. Heather says that .....FUCK, I just realized I can't remember her name! Anyways, Heather says that her cousin thinks that I am not interested. So, my world is in the process of changing. I don't know what I want to do. There are a few girls at work who seem to be going out of their way to talk to me. I didn't even know them, but they just came up and started talking to me, and now they won't stop. (Not at the same time, lol)

My job at work is temporarily different. I am working as a supervisor on the Mess Decks; which is the equivalent of a cafeteria/resturant. I directly supervise 7 kids and indirectly about 32. It has been long 12 hour days so far but this weekend I have a three day weekend, so it should be nice. I have been so busy that I haven't even moved all of my stuff out of my apt yet! I am at work right now, so I better go. If you let these them, these kids will get away with murder.

Bye for now!

MUAH!

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|09:16| comments

Monday, 05 September 2005

HELP!!!!

I expected this post to be full of all the things that are going on in my life right now; such as, a new car ('05 Nissan Maxima), a new house, the hot coffee girl (Summer) that I want to ask out, and the changes at work. Instead of all that though I am going to write about Kristi. I need help/advice on this one. The last time I taked to her she told me that she was dating a thirty-five year old. I ignored it but she brought it back up. At the time I just thought that she expected me to make fun of her or say something about the age difference. I was a little drunk at the time and was just happy to hear her voice, I didn't feel like arguing. We talked yesterday and I bought the subject back up. I have never heard her talk that way about anyone before. It bothered me. This was different than the ones in the past. I found out that she hasn't been seeing Tara for a long time. A lot of what I thought I knew about her life is different from what I thought. Not in a bad way, it just let me know that I am out of the loop. She emailed yesterday....she said that "He could be the one." Yes, I know, I am jealous. I should be happy for her, but I am not. This tells me a lot about the things I keep from myself. I have never denied the fact that I love her more than anything in the world. She is the longest and most important friendship I have. I guess that I always hoped it would be me. Lollipops and fairytales, I guess. I feel like my heart is breaking, and it shouldn't be. Kristi and I wouldn't even work as a relationship.

GAWD, I hope she doesn't invite me to the wedding. Not that she WILL marry this one, but I couldn't sit there and watch as she marries someone else. I would have to make up an excuse and more than likely I would just say, "Great! I'm there!" Then show up in all black for my funeral directly after the reception. j/k (I think)

Why can't I just let her go? There has been a distance growing between us for a while now. I have felt it in the absence of calls and emails. I have felt it in our calls and emails. I need even more distance now. Or I will not be able to survive. I need to calm down. I can't think about anything else but getting drunk right now. Unfortunately I am at work, and won't get off until 7pm tonight. The only friend that is close enough to talk to about something of this nature is Kristi. Isn't it ironic? Don't cha think? If I wasn't so sure that Kristi had forgotten this site, I wouldn't even be writing it here.

I feel the depression coming and I don't need it right now. Not when I everything was starting to fall into place.

I Should mention that years ago Kristi and I said that we would get married in the future. She wanted to finish college and at least wait until I got out of the Navy. That is why I had such a hard time deciding to reenlist. It pushed back when I could marry Kristi. I wanted to hear her say, "Don't reenlist, come home and marry me." I knew that wouldn't happen, but I waited as long as I could anyways. I reenlisted the day I was suppose to get out. It would have been another five years until the time we aggreed upon. Part of me wonders if that is why I haven't dated anyone in the last seven years. I don't feel like it anymore. Not even Summer, who I have been waiting so long to ask out. I finally had the courage but not anymore.

What do I do? What do I say to Kristi? I told her I would email her today. GAWD I hope some of you are on line today. Do I lie and say "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"? Do I tell her that I am jealous. I don't know. I know I will just let pretend to be happy and cry myslef to sleep. lol I wish it wasn't true.

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|10:07| comments (5)