*My Journey To Happiness*

Sunday, 27 February 2005

I HATE "sick", too!!!

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|21:14| comments (3)

Friday, 25 February 2005

So much to write, but no time. Maybe I will try again tonight. I am getting an apartment this weekend. Was going to have a roommate (Heather) but luckily she found someone else to live with. I didn't really want to live with a girl. Haven't done much. Bought first three seasons to ALIAS and am half way done with season two. I have to say that my favorite character is by far MARSHAL. He is hilariass! Other than that, not too much going on. I will try to post more later, but I have to deal with goverment computers, which means that they suck and are slower than ATARI.

bye

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|17:46| comments (4)

Monday, 14 February 2005

100 Things about me, pt 1

100. My favorite material is chasmere

99. I am an Observer/Watcher

98. Contrary to the saying; I am lonliest when I am by myself, not when I am in a crowd

97. I stopped believing in God when I was 12yo

96. My Grandmother died when I was 12yo

95. I have wanted to die since I was 12yo

94. I am stubborn.

93. I hate to admitt when I am wrong

92. I take full resonsibility for my mistakes.

91. I have few regrets

90. I prefer brunettes.

89. I will always be alone.

88. I will never be the man I want to be (picture Andy Griffith)

87. I am very much an introvert.

86. I love being submissive

85. I am a control freak.

84. I am a natural leader

83. I am Passive Aggressive in it's worst ways

82. I am a Chameleon; emotionally and environmentally

81. I am a survivor

80. I love nature

79. If I COULD, I would kill 5 billion people (we need population control)

78. I agree with the war in Iraq (Not for the reason of starting it, but for the end result)

77. I would love to be a scholar for life.

76. My summer jobs were working for a Day Camp taking care of kids

75. I have taken child development classes

74. I never wanted to grow up, but have never felt like a child.

73. I hate physcology/sociology students who take text books as gossple

72. 90% of the women I have been with "belonged" to someone else at the time.

71. I turn down women who are too aggressive.

69. I cut slits into the bottom of the legs of all my jeans

68. I dream of having my own library.

67. I haven't had a girlfriend in six years.

66. I love women who are odd.

65. I like to ride the bus.

64. I go to the beach for serenity not sun

63. I love when the weather matches my mood (cold and rainy or sunny and warm)

62. I love to cook

61. I love being pampered by someone I love.

60. I intentionally tried to hit an emotional "bottom of the barrel" after having my heart broken.

59. I've had my heart broken once, six years ago.

58. I trust no one completely.

57. I TRY to maintain a sunny dispostion.

56. I am happy

55. No I am not.

54. I usually don't make my mind up in time to matter

53. I have loved three women (I only told two)

52. I usually know within 5min if I could love someone

51. Love me and I am yours

50. I am spontanious just when you start to think I am habitual

49. I love change

48. I often contradict myself, but both statement were true....at the time.

47. I sleep to dream and I dream to feel alive.

46. I need a cigarette.

45. I have much useless knowledge.

44. I ALWAYS tip well.

43. I chose all my friends for a purpose (they are all some aspect of my own personality)

42. I can't live without my phone, but I rarely talk on it.

41. I could take a human life with no remorse, but couldn't kill an animal. (not that I have done it, lol)

40. I wore make-up in high school and had a see through linen drape type shirt, lol

39. I am old fashioned, but in a new kind of way.

38. I will always defend the little guy, and root for the underdog.

37. My favorite color is baby blue

36. Ummm, we'll get back to 36, lol

*Disclaimer: #100-47 were written on 11Jan05 and took an hour and five minutes. #46-37 were written right now and took about ten minutes.

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|20:18| comments (18)

Sunday, 13 February 2005

So many things went wrong.

Thursday, Sandra called me to tell me that her dog was really sick. She was all broken up. I could understand. I met her when I was sixteen, and she had the dog for as long as she could remember. Friday, they had to put it to sleep. Goodbye Gizmo. You will be missed.

Friday night I went out drinking with Melissa. Happily married Melissa. I ended up sleeping with her. I feel like such a home wrecker. Gawd! I could have avoided it, but for some reason I just watched everything unfold. Gawd dammit! I said I wasn't going to sleep with anyone!

Saturday- I did laundry and went to bed. Didn't get much sleep on friday.

today- Most importantly, I had a dream about Kristi. My lovely Kristi. It was a nightmare. I cannot remember the reasons behind the setting but there was one. We were at Prom. Not mine, or her's, just a Prom. Maybe it was just a formal party or a High School reunion. It was such fun, and everything was perfect. And then I think I realized that it was TOO perfect and therefor must be a dream. I must have thought to myslef that it would never be this way. Then I saw the side of Kristi that has always scared me. The side of her that is cold and ultimately stubborn. She was mad at me and left. I looked everywhere for her but she was gone. It felt so horrible. She and I have never really been in a fight. Once, when we were dating, oh so long ago, I saw her at the movies and went to go say hi. She thought I was there with someone else, and totally blew me off like I was nothing. I guess i have never really forgot how that felt and it all came back in that dream last night. So I forced myself to wake up; something I rarely do when I don't have to be at work. I was going to spend the day alone at the movies, but Heather called and wanted to hang out. So I went with her. We made a stop at Walmart where she wanted to hit on some girl. Like an hour later we left, and since we missed the showing, went to go eat. Finnally went to go see "Hitch". It wasn't bad. Thought it would be better. Now I am here. I need to go to sleep and get all this stuff off of my mind.

G'nite

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|23:48| comments (1)

Friday, 11 February 2005

I am posting simply because I don't want people to worry about me being an alcoholic. Yes I drink a lot, and maybe I am am alcoholic, but not in the normal sense. Do you remember that Seinfeid episode where there is a guy who is the life of the party. "The Fun Guy"??? Then they realize that he is an alcoholic and get him some help. Then it turns out that he is really boring. lol, That's me. Sorta. I am too shy when sober and often find it hard to mingle and make new friends that are outside of my normal daily interactions. So I do not drink because I am depressed. I drink to have fun and meet new people. I SLEEP when I am depressed. I often get depressed and just wonder what is the point in waking up. I mean, I have no plans for the day, so I will just sleep through it. That is my sign of depression, not the drinking. The drinking is just lack of anything else to do.

Having said that, lol, I got wasted on Mardi Gras! Too wasted, in fact. I spent Wednesday morning curled up to the toilete and couldn't eat anything all day. I went to sleep right after work. Thursday I felt great. I went out to eat and as soon as I saw beer, I got my hangover back. I could barely eat my meal. Then I went and hung out at the bar. I drank soda, lol. No more drinking on weekdays. I can't have fun at the expense of sucking at work. That is unacepptable. And today is still up in the air.

I have noticed that the last few days at work I have been laughing non-stop. Me and a few other guys hang out all day and joke around. How often do you get to laugh because someone called you "Huice"??? Or my nickname "Pretty like girl", which today became "pretty like girl, stink like beast" lol. AHAH it still hurts. Then we start laughing because we are laughing and it just gets out of control. Like My shoulder has been sore since Wednesday, and everytime I laugh, it hurts. So they make me laugh, and I grab my shoulder and yell back "stop it fucker!" which makes them laugh, and then I laugh and so on. HAHA, like teenage girls in the mall, lol. Today we stayed at work an extra hour and a half just joking around. I will probably hang out with them tomorrow. I think.

I think I am abou to go bowling. Umm, yup. I'm Audi!

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|20:10| comments (3)

Sunday, 06 February 2005

So let's see if I can cover the last week.

Work has been much easier, if that is at all possible.

Last friday I was suppose to go out with Heather and also a friend from work. I slept all friday. Saturday I woke up mad with myself because I can not afford to lose friends, at the moment. So I called up Heather and Ken to see what they were up to. I ended up going to Ken's house for a BBQ and we finished of a very good bottle of Jim Beam Black and a little more. Ken passed out around eight thirty and I went to go meet Heather at some local bar. I got in ok, but she came after and got stuck in a huge line. So we left there and went to go drink at one of her friends houses. It wasn't the greatest of times but was perfect for social senerios. I pretty much did nothing the next few days but look for a car on the internet. I think I have my heart set on a Nissan Murano. Then Thursday, out of bordom, I went to "Sam Adams", which is the on base bar/resturant. There I saw a guy who I met last week. His name is Less. He is pretty kewl and I think I will hang out with him more. We did a little drinking and a little bowling. He left around ten, and I decided to stay. The Bartender (Melissa) asked if I wanted to go out for a few drinks when she got off, so I said "Kewl." We did some more drinking, mainly she did because I was already nice and toasty. I ended up throwing up that night, which I haven't done in a while. I guess I drank a little too much. Work on Friday SUCKED! I was so hungover, and of course that would have to be the day that they have me do something important. I got off of work at about one thirty and went right to sleep. I got up about five thirty to meet Melissa when she got off work at eight thirty. She and I went to this local joint called "The End Zone." It was a lot of fun. I got to meet the locals and just totally hang out with a different type of crowd. Then we went to breakfast at "Shari's," which is a lot like "Denny's." (I even got to have a "Rico Omlette" and she wasn't grossed out!) We talked until about five in the morning. I would have thought she liked me if it wasn't for the fact that she is happily married. I think we'll be very good friends. Today I called Heather because I have been meaning to all week and it has been like six days since we talked. For most people, no call in six days is a sign of being blown off. She wanted to hang out so we did. We where suppose to go to that same club we were going to last time but once again the line was horrible. So, we ended up just having dinner at "AppleBee's." She had to be home at eleven because she is still a young girl, lol. She is twenty-one, BUT I think she was very sheltered because she is totally innocent. Well, in her own way. She is a complete self proclamed "I don't like boys" lesbian. So she isn't too innocent, but she still has much to learn about life. She will also be a very good friend to have. She isn't my typical friend, but there is a mutal benifit to our future friendship. She thinks I am really "KEWL" and I don't know why. I am never fake with people, but I only show someone the side of me that I think is applicable to them. I really sometimes don't see how I affect people. I am not sure of what side I am showing her. I only know that she likes it. With Melissa it is a little different. We have similar personalities and I can show her more than one side. We talked forever at the Diner, and there was never any pauses. It was like hanging out with an old buddy. Someone that you are comfortable with. Anyways, I ended at the on base bar, where Melissa works. A guy named Chris works there too. He also seems kewl. I just found out that he is twenty, though. I guess that is why he knows where all the hot spots are in Canada. I think we'll be friends also. That is your up-to-the-minute Rico report.

I didn't clarify last week what my inner problem is so I guess I will do it now. I grew up in a bad environment. By the time I was twelve I felt like I had no family. So for as long as I can remember that is all I have wanted in life. A Family. A family to call my own. That is what eats at me. There is nothing in this life that I want except for a family. I could careless about money and fame. So everyday I feel that emptiness. Often times I can not see how I will ever have a family and that depresses me. There is always hope for the future, right? Someday I will meet the right girl, right? Well, I am getting sick of "hope." And everyday that passes feels like a day wasted. A day that I will someday forget for all of it's trivialness. That is partly why I write it down. A lot of the things that I write is crapp that I think I will one day forget because of it's meaninglessness.

O.K. lost my place. I am sure it was intentional and I have no plans on revisiting the past.

I have really been thinking of asking my cousin, Frankie to move up here with me. I always have so much fun when we are together and I think it would also be a good oppurtunity for him. I think it is what he needs. I miss him. I know that he is one one a very select few who actually care. He has stood by me for a long time. Once I get settled in I think I will ask him. The only thing is that I have to be willing to support him, because if he can't find work or can't make rent, I can't let something that trivial get between us.

Anyways, that is all for tonight folks. luv ya

Rico

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|02:08| comments (2)