*My Journey To Happiness*

Monday, 31 May 2004

The story continues...

So, I am going to move in with a coworker. Tomorrow I will spend my holiday moving. I don't have too much stuff, so it shouldn't be that bad. He needs someone to move in this month because his roomate is leaving on short notice. Once again, me being m=nice and only making things harder on myself. I think I will be ok though. I haven't done that much else this week. I did go hangout with my best friends girlfriend again. A little less innocent, but still within lines. Her little sister was there. I think her little sister is cooler than she is. If she were only older, it would be on. Lucky for Kristi (my friends girl) her sis is only 13. I thought she was older, I almost died laughing when I found out. Glad I wasn't hitting on her! I finally got some good sleep this afternoon. I wish I could do that at night. All week I have been getting little sleep, then not taking my normal naps.

ohh... when I was hanging with Kristi, she started crying and telling me about her problems with my friend. I knew it was a picture perfect opportunity to point out all the reasons to leave and be with me, but I chose to be a friend. To her and to my friend. I told her everything I would have if I was not in the mix, and tried to give her advice, but I really don't know if she will take it, and I don't know if she just was just trying to give me an excuse to make a move. We were playing around and kinda wrestling, when I stoped, that was when she started the whole crying thing. It seemed like she was giving me hint to try, but I think it really just brought me back to reality. Then again, I was drunk, so maybe that was the hint to stop. I don't know if I overanalyize everything or girl really are as tough to understand as I think they are.

I can remember meeting this girl who was my roomate's fiance's friend (that's a long one), so she was spending the night. It was a little harder back then to actually talk to women, so I drank half a huge bottle of liquor and did my best to live up to my name. This girl gave no indication that she liked me. She smiled a lot, but other than that nothing! She even seemed a little distracted. Ya know, you start to look away while people are talking because you really don't care what they say. That is what I thought she was doing. Well I get a call from the fiance, and she calls me a moron. Turns out the girl liked me a lot and wanted to sleep with me that night, but I never made a move. God! I would have if I would have known! I have a million of these stories. I consider myself a smart man, but when it comes to understanding women, I know I am a moron.

Well, anyways, time to watch "tripping the rift"

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|03:56| comments (1)

Sunday, 30 May 2004

O.k. I am a little more alive now.

This past week just seemed busy. I had a weird week at work. On Monday I was late, so I asked a coworker to set up for the ceremony we were having at 815am. I had everything ready and all that had to be done was to get the flags, move a table, and bring the awards out. I got to work at 805am. I quickly double checked everything, and all seemed well. My boss asked, "Where were you this morning; those two were going to kill each other!" He was talking about my coworker and supervisor. Everyone knows they don't get along, so I thought he was joking. It turns out they got into an arguement over the list of people getting awards. The only printed copy they had was an old one. I had already put the right one in the binder for my boss, so they were argueing for nothing. Unfortunately, they are both stubborn, and wouldn't let it go. They argued until about 1100am. I was the only one doing work and they kept interrupting me to join the arguement. I wanted no part of it. I have been in enough trouble. It was bad, but it also shows me that if I wasn't there, they would be lost. I AM the best worker they have and can't possibly get awards done without me. Also this week, another coworker was on leave (on vacation) so I had to do her work along with mine. It all got done but I am so glad she gets back on tuesday, I could not keep up that pace for too long. I had to stay late everyday to get it all done. It piss' me off that my supervisor went home early two days that week and went golfing another day. All while I am doing my own two jobs plus another. I hate when I work hard so that others can take the time off that I deserve. You see that to often, though. Someone with a great work ethic and amazing drive (like myself) who have to work twice as hard as they normally do just to make up for those whose slack off. I don't know if this happens in every job, but in the Navy, it happens all the time. It's not like they are going to get fired!

Another example; I was working hard on tuesday. Everyone in the building was at the golf tournament, and I was trying desperately to get my work done so I could go home by two o'clock. Everyone else didn't come in or left at ten. I get a call at twelve asking to bring some serving platters to the golf course because they forgot to grab them. So, I do it, knowing that it means I will now have to be at work until four. I get there, and they ask me to stay because they don't have enough volunteers to help. So after much persuasion, I agree. Now, I have to work even harder if I want the next day to make up for the work I left. I take over on the giant grill, on a high 90's day in Ga. It was sooo hot. I cook all the food and set up the tent (so others can sit in the shade). Then the other people slowly start disappearing. I ended up having to clean up everything. I didn't get home until about six. I just realized thats why I have being getting my stress headaches this week. I really need to buy stock in advil. Why so I let these things happen. I need to stand up for myself more and tell people when they are not doing their fair share. The problem is: I have been to Mast three times. That is sort of like having to go to court. I get fined and get demoted, and move on. If I go again, I will probably get kicked out of the Navy. I have to always be on gaurd and make sure that I am by-the-book. I really don't know how to stand up for myself and still be seen in good standing. I have tried calming and without sarcasim (very hard to do for me) tell people when they are bothering me, and have them still treat me well. People will always be nice if they think you will do things for them. As soon as you let them know that it is unacceptable, they cease to need you anymore.

anyways, I'll write more later.

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|18:53| comments

So ya, I've been slacking, but I have my reasons. I am doing a lot of stuff right now, like moving, and car shoping, and tryin gto not get into debt. So, I will have much to write as soon as I have enough time. You are still in my thoughts.

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|06:37| comments

Sunday, 23 May 2004

Ok, so let me tell you about last night. I went to this bar that is usually filled with good ol'country boys, there is no music, and a hanful of people. Last night is was packed. There was a dj, who actually played something other than shake your booty crap! He played Godsmack and some Rage. Wow. So we only have two hours to try to get drunk, and that set the pace. We got drunk with a quickness. I wasn't to bad though. I actually drank a lot more than friday night, but wasn't as drunk. Maybe I just had my mind actually occupied. So, I am a really shy guy. I saw this girl at the bar with a group of girls; she was cute. There was something I liked about her. Her friends finally leave her alone, and I gather my courage and go over. Actually, she was sitting with a girl I knew, so I used that as my excuse to talk to her. Well, the girl I knew leaves and I stay there and start talking. I thought thinks were going great, but I guess I am just stupid. My friend walks up and sits down. I asked him about the girl he was hitting on, and he gave me a vague answer. So, I tell him to go try again, she seemed interested. He asks, "Is that a hint to leave?" Before I could answer, she (Kate) says, "NOO, ...no, no." So I guess that she didn't want to talk alone. Until that point I was actually going to ask for her number, something I have done like five times in my life. Maybe I looked to deeply into her no's, but that was enough to crush my hopes. But maybe I will see her again, she said that she goes there a lot.

So I go home, a little down but not beaten. I get on the net, and met a girl in England who was adorable. She said I was different from other guys. When I asked how so, she responded with, "You're not a wanker." If I didn't know she was from England, I would have thought something different. I doubt I will ever talk to that girl again, but it was nice.

So the day wasn't a total loss.

Later on....

O.K., I did my homework on Katie (I guess I was drunker than I thought). It turns out that she is sleeping with the bouncer, now I know why she goes there a lot. So, no future there. The dude is like seven feet tall, and three hundred pounds of muscle. Just a little intimidating.

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|21:38| comments (3)

So last night I went to go see the girl and we didn't do anything. I am glad. I got really drunk so I doubt I could have actually done anything if I wanted to. I got a horrible hangover, and I am still a it shaky. It is making it really hard to type. I am suppose to go out to the bar in an hour, I guess we'll see.

I posted a new picture on Hotornot. Wish me luck. I just want to finally get a nine point rating. The lakers won last night so that makes me happy. They are going to be champions once again. Yay! I feel bored. Well maybe the bar goes sound good. Hopefully I will have something better to write tomorrow.

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|03:31| comments (1)

Saturday, 22 May 2004

Back in February I slept with a close friend's girlfriend. I did this for a few reasons. One; I wanted them to break up, he was seeing another girl who I actually liked, and I wanted them to stay together. Two; I wanted to punish her for choosing him over me, since I was dating her when they slept together. Three; I wanted to know how it felt. Four; I wanted to distance myself from him. Five; the challenge. I never really wanted her, and my only regret is that it hurt Dee. I know this sounds bad, but I do a lot of things just to see how it makes me feel.

Anyways, I bring this up because my friend is now out to sea, they are still together, and she is text messaging me with, "I'm drunk, and alone." I think I know what she means, but I still find myself tempted to find out. I don't really want to hurt my friend again, especially when he is out to sea. I know how much that can hurt.

Well, the Laker game is starting so I gotta go. I will finish later.

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|02:02| comments (1)

Friday, 21 May 2004

A strange thing happened last night. I was talking to this lady who works at our recreation center, and we share a mutual friend named Tara. Apparently, my friend Tara has been telling people that I was sleeping with her. I thought only guys lied about who they slept with. Well, I guess it is a compliment. I can't wait to call her out on it though. It will be so funny.

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|14:34| comments

My Word of the day

Obstreperous

Def: marked my unruly or aggressive behavior

Example: The obstreperous youth couldn't stop talking in class.

Synonyms: clamorous, vociferous

Ya know, I don't really see myself using this word. Maybe I will try it out though.

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|13:43| comments

Well Mo,

I had a pretty uneventful day. I woke up, showered, went to breakfast, went to work, went bowling, went back to work, then went home. I fell asleep because I seem to be fatigued lately. I am so tired. My eyes seem to constantly hurt, and my knee hurts again. I don't know what is wrong with me. I had so many ideas for what to write this morning, but now they have faded away.

About a month ago I went to this hypnotist show. I didn't know it at the time but I was getting suckered. My friends talked me into going up on stage, and I went. I like doing crazy things, and wondered what it would be like. The guy sat us boy girl boy girl, so I have a very cute girl sitting at my side. She looks over at me and says, "I hear this show gets pretty dirty." That's when I knew my friends were setting me up. But I said fcuk it, lets see what happens. So they go into relaxation exercises and I am really getting into it. I start really relaxing. My body is just limp and I feel great. Well, the guy comes to each of us and yanks on our arms. Ya know, to knock us out. He gets to me and I am a little nervous. He pulls on my arm, and I instantly go limp. I am now draped over one of the girls, and my arm is between her legs. Nothing to bad, just kinda mid thigh area. I am thinking to myself, "Why did I just do that?" I am not asleep. I don't think I am hypnotized. I just know that I am relaxed. Then....out of no where, I start to feel myself getting hard (if ya know what I mean). I start asking myself why this is happening. Could the girl next to me have her hand on my thigh? I don't feel anything on my legs, that can't be it. Is it because I am relaxed? It has never happened before. Why now? Why when I am on stage in front of hundred plus people? Then I start to feel a slight tickle in that same area, and now I am wondering what the hell this guy is doing to me. Am I just imagining this all? I start to kinda freak out, and I open my eyes. Well, the hypnotist kicked me off stage. I go back to my friends and they asked me what happened. I told them I couldn't stop thinking because I was too nervous, and just couldn't get hypnotized. i told them the story about that funny feeling, and they started laughing, and told me that cute girl that was sitting next to me had a handful of my junk. I started laughing, but I couldn't believe that I couldn't feel her hand/arm at all. All I felt was my body's reaction.

The point of that story is this: I never felt better in my life. When I woke up that following Monday, I noticed that I had more energy than normal. I didn't hit snooze at all. I normally hit snooze for an extra half hour, but I didn't think anything of it. Then I go to physical therapy later that day, and I am running like a champ. My physical therapist was asking me what I did that weekend because I am going great. It continued that way for about two weeks, and now I feel like I have less energy than before. So, in conclusion, I think I need to go get hypnotized again.

I can't believe I am writing on here. Some of these things I don't want others to know. Especially Kristi. I don't want her to see the stuff I write about her. That just leaves me too vulnerable. There are things I plan on writing about that I just don't want my so-called friends to read. If everyone know my thoughts I would burn many bridges, but then again, are they really bridges I care about? I have disassociated myself from everyone but Kristi. I even tried to distance myself from her, but I can't. When I think, it is almost like I am talking to her. She is on my mind so often that I can't let her go. If she were to die, I don't know if I could recover. But anyone else could die, and it would have very little effect on me. I would miss them, of course, but what would be the differance from death and when my friends have moved and we lost contact? I have made and lost so many close friends that I think I am numb. I could lose my family and feel only a vestigial of sorrow. I can't seem to associate the right feelings with the imaginary events. Then again maybe I would feel differently, if it happened. The only person I have known to die, was my grandmother, and that took years to get over. I was just a kid then.

Thought of the day: Why are squirrels so funny?

They never fail to make me laugh. I saw one today digging a hole. He was in it up to his hind legs. I didn't know they bury nuts that deep. I was walking by and when I got close, he popped his head out of the hole. He had a small dirt mound on the top of his little head. It looked like he had a dirt topay(?)(you know what I mean). I started laughing ang he just stared at me. He looked like an unruly child. I always see birds chasing them. I saw a duck chase one. Even I have chased one around a tree until I was dizzy. They are fast lil buggers.

Inner question of the day: Could I survive in a colonial tpye atmosphere? (I watch too much Colonial House on PBS)

I think I could! I can do anything I want.

My Daily fortune two days ago:

Don't spend so much money on shoes.

How did they know?

My Daily fortune yesterday:

You ARE right most of the time.

How did they know???

My Daily fortune today:

Just slack off today.

Man, these guys are good!

Goodnight all.

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|02:27| comments

Wednesday, 19 May 2004

Today was going great, until I started having trouble with this computer! I dislike these things. Well, let's talk about what is on my mind today. Reenlisting.

I want to reenlist because it will give me everything I really want; job security, financial stability, travel, and let's me be a life-long student. I will never have to worry about what my future will be like because I can plan every step towards retirement. I have started investing, recently, in a retirement plan that should give me close to a million dollars by age sixty-five. Every year after that the interest alone is over a hundred thousand. That's one less worry. I love to travel to other countries and see their lifestyle and learn their histories'. I have had so much fun in my travels and broadened my own views that I can't see myself staying in one place anymore. I want to buy a home, and it is so much easier to do if I stay in. I will buy one as soon as I reenlist and it will be paid for by the time I actually settle down and decide to live in it. Until then, I can rent it out, probably to my mother, and probably make money doing it. I won't have to worry about my mom, making enough money to survive because I will know that she can always skip rent and I would still be able to pay the morgage. I won't have to send money home anymore beacuse I am afraid she can't buy food for her and my sister. My sister, another reason I want to stay in, is mentally handi-capped. She can not live without some supervision. I know that when my mother dies, I will have to take care of her. I want to live my life now, while I don't have that responsiblity and HAVE to stay in one place. Basically, the adventerious and carefree side of me wants to have my fun now while planning for the future.

The romantic side of me says, "Get the hell out!" I doubt that I will ever find a woman that I want to be with, while I am in the Navy. I don't want to wait until I am forty to start a family. Actually, I want one now. I have asked Kristi countless times if I should reenlist. I just want to hear, "No, I want you to come home." She never says that though. She says she wants what is best for me. For a long time, I thought Kristi and I would get married. Recently, for my own happiness, I had to give up that dream because it only fueled my depression; a constant reminder that I wasn't were I wanted to be. To be happy with myself I was forced to give up my dreams of love and learn to love myself. I still want love, and I don't know if I can find a woman who will love me, and more importantly, be faithful while I am out to sea for six months out of a year. Granted I only have to do about eight more years out to sea in the next fourteen before retirement (four years at a time), but I want to have children sometime before then and it would kill me to leave them. I want to be a great dad, and be there for all those first moments; first step, first words, first day of school, etc. I don't want to miss any of it. I don't want to fight with a wife that thinks it is unfair that I don't help raise the kid (while I am out to sea), I want to be there. I guess I have to find a woman who understands that I want to be there fighting about who is going to change the next diaper, but I have to be gone to ensure that they are provided for, and that our childs future is will be anything we want it to be, simply because we can afford to send him/her to good schools and never have to worry about our child growing up in a bad neighborhood. I guess I want everything that I never had.

So, my decision feels like I am deciding now if I will struggle in life in hopes of finding love, or become a bacholor for life, essentially. I feel alomost like I am giving up on love. Even in a poem I once wrote I said, "Love never gives up on us, it is only given up." My solution then was, "Fight on!" I guess the responsibility of adulthood makes it a little more difficult to fight for. Finanical stability and fun, or struggles and love? I am happy now only because I learned to love myself, but I still want someone else to love me. Does that make sense?

I'll have to remember not to tell Kristi about this site, because I don't want her to see this entry.

After all is said and done, I am going to reenlist. I guess I hold off on the decision because I still have hope that Kristi will tell me she wants me to come home. Even if she did call though, I don't want to live in Los Angeles anymore, and I am kinda scared of her. I think even if we did get together, she would only break my heart. I don't know if I could recover from that. I love her so much and it feels like I am saying good bye and condemning our relationship to forever friendship. I guess it is better than not having her in my life. She is the only friend I can't leave.

So, I guess my choice is already made, now I just have to learn to live with it.

Walking Alone On This Endless Road*|01:11| comments (1)